Happy New Year

Well, here we are in 2011.  I've been seeing articles in the paper and online about how terrible 2010 was.  I'm happy to say that 2010 was my best year yet in many ways.  I left a job that was stressful and harmful to me, found a job that is enjoyable, saw my husband's play sell out every show, and watch my children grow as young adults.  2011 will be even better!

I usually don't have the typical list of new year's resolutions.  I don't say things like, "going to lose 15 pounds, make more money, etc."  That said, I do like to put an intention on a year.  I've found that this really helps me keep my life in focus and affords a small benchmark for personal growth.  For example, two years ago I decided to try to focus on family needs specifically.  I made more regular contact with my sister in Florida, helped my kids whenever I could, and took my mom on her dream trip to Alaska.  At the end of the year, I felt like I'd accomplished a few little things that made my family's world a little better.  The next year, 2010, I decided that I needed to leave the abusive environment at  my workplace.  This was a scary one, since I ultimately was pushed to quit before I had another income source.  Although we had to tighten our belts for a few (um, seven) months, I was able to re-center, get regular exercise, improve my mental and physical health, and eventually find a job that I really enjoy. 

For 2011, I think that I'll practice not worrying, and its corroborative focus on wellness.  For a few months last year I worked out 2 hours a day, six days a week.  I was in great shape and it spurred me on to generally take care of myself.  Then, I started my new job.  Now, I really like my job.  But, I'm feeling that old nemesis Stress creeping in around the edges.  Less time at home, less time with my friends and husband, less exercise, high expectations, new job so I don't really know what I'm doing yet, you know.  In 2011 I will set Stress aside and try to let the days unfold without worry.  I'm struggling with the fact that I'm struggling to decide what decisions to make.  Huh? 

That said, I will try to employ a Buddhist detachment (oh, hey, look at how "monkeymind" I'm being, jumping all over the place...interesting) and just go with the flow.  It's easy for me to become distracted by possible lifestyles and paths, wondering if I've made the right choices.  This is a daily thing for me!  While it's OK to question, sometimes it can get in the way, too.  So, quit worrying and enjoy life.

Mental and physical wellness will be the order of the day for 2011.  Wish me luck!

Fierce Time

I attended a conference this week, and one of the workshops was entitled Fierce Conversations.  It was all about the decline of the art of conversation, and how to improve our lives by reviving it.  The facilitator asked us to define Fierce, and here were some words that came up: wild, dangerous, intense.  She was surprised that our definitions seemed negative, but I wasn't.  She saw it as meaning free and true.  While Fierce can be freeing, it can also be scary (at least to those who were raised to be polite little girls like myself).  Essentially, it boiled down to this: freeing ourselves to truly connect with another person through conversation can strengthen both parties and make the world a little bit better.

Whoa.  Now, I have always been taught to be polite, hold my tongue, be diplomatic, don't bother people with what I need....WAIT a minute.  How old am I again?  I am no longer 6 years old, for cry-eye-eye.  Fierce, eh?  I guess I can learn to be fiercer.  The thing is, that opening up to what is authentic and true and sharing that with others and then facing the changes that will result is kinda scary to me.  What if we can't be friends any longer?  What if I lose/leave my job?  What if what if what if?

I'm going to have to ponder this for a bit.  I may pick up the book Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success in Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott.

Has anyone out there read the book?  Ideas or experiences to share along these lines?   I'm open and ready to listen, and maybe even to fiercely speak!

Does Not Play Well With Others

I've been away too long.  Using the worn-out excuses of "no time" and "no blog ideas" I skipped a few weeks.  Back to it!

I have never hosted Thanksgiving.  We have always gone to a family member's home and enjoyed the holiday there.  This year, I wanted to host it myself.  I wanted a nice, quiet holiday with my husband, my kids, their significant others, and my dad and his wife.  Small, lots of food, cozy.    Everything was in place until I received a call tonight from my former sister-in-law.  My ex's mother is not doing well, and I was asked if my kids could spend some time at her home on Thanksgiving (typically "my" holiday with the kids).  Thanks, Universe!  So...what was I to say?  "Nope, too bad, I already bought $200 worth of turkey and stuffing?"  Of course not.  My first response was to suggest that they host their dinner a little early, and I could push mine back so the kids could do both (we all live in the same town).  Sounds reasonable, right?  Then, I thought about it.  Hmm.  My ex is not known to be reasonable when it comes to scheduling.  How often has this worked?  How many times have I compromised and had the plan bite me in the backside anyway?  Every other time I have sat waiting, sometimes for hours, while the kids were delayed and late.   Grrr, what to do?

So, I called my stepmother and told her what was going on, and that we weren't sure what time we'd be doing  dinner because we were going to try to accommodate the kids visiting their grandma.  She in turn said that they had heard there was a large blizzard that was supposed to hit on Thanksgiving, and they were wondering if we might want to do dinner on Friday so they wouldn't have to drive in it.  AHHH!  Another variable.

Gotta think.  For crying out loud, the poor woman is nearing the end of her life...Thanksgiving is just a day...I like leftover turkey...and hey, Thanksgiving is about being thankful and enjoying the people around me.  It isn't about requiring others to meet my perceived need to host this holiday dinner, and it certainly isn't about stressing because I'm trying to make an unworkable situation work.  Would the kids be happy at my place knowing that their grandma is NOT seeing them?  Would that make me happy?  NO to both questions.  Will anyone win if we sit around holding dinner until it gets cold and clammy, hoping they will arrive, while they stress about leaving their grandma to come to my house?  Do I want my dad and his wife driving in a blizzard to get here?  BAH!  Game off.


So, my wonderful, wonderful husband and I talked it out.  Bottom line, we want to do a big dinner on Thanksgiving, and whomever can come can come.  I called everyone and told them they were free to do whatever they needed.  We are doing dinner, come if and when you can, and no hard feelings.  You know the funny part?  There really ARE no hard feelings.  I don't feel badly at all.  I am totally happy stepping to the side of the whole game, not trying to play with ever-changing rules and conditions, not trying to accommodate everyone's wishes and needs, not playing!

Does not play well with others, and couldn't be happier.

Try a Little Kindness

I noticed something today. Or, rather, I questioned something. Have people lost their ability to accept kindness? I was shopping at Target, and at checkout was given a coupon for the Starbucks located in the store. Now, I am not a fan of Starbucks, not because they are a chain but because they over roast their coffee and I don’t like it. So, being nice, I offered my coupon to people standing in line for their coffee. First I offered the coupon to a man in fatigues, thinking, “Hey, people in the service deserve thanks.” He declined three times as if I were offering him a dead mouse. So I went to the next guy in line, and he gingerly took it out of my hands, frowned at it, and then mumbled, “OK.” Um…I am offering you money off something you are about to buy. Why aren’t you happy?



People are suspicious. People expect that you are in it for something, that you’re going to want something in return, that there must be some catch. Gee…I was just being nice. Are we really so cynical that we can’t just smile and say, “Wow, thank you” instead of staring blankly while we assess the perceived dark underbelly of an act of kindness?


I searched for quotes regarding accepting kindness. I found one. Just one!


One who knows how to show and to accept kindness will be a friend better than any possession. --Sophocles


In accepting a kindness, we experience a moment of intimacy with the giver. I think it can be easier to show kindness, since we aren’t looking for a connection. “Hey, I’ll pick up that item the lady dropped and return it to her.” But RECEIVING kindness requires that we open ourselves to another’s act. We have to drop our guard just a bit.


During difficult moments in my life, I have found that the only way to stay sane was to accept kindness. If someone offered help, I swallowed my pride and took it. Sure, I could go it alone. Sure, I could be miserable and slog it out solo. But why should we do that? Why not acknowledge that we’re really all in this together? That means not only being the powerful giver, but the humble receiver.


So, my challenge to you and myself this week is to accept kindness when it is offered to you. You just might find that it is offered more often than you imagined. In this challenging world in which we live, kindness should never be relegated to the back of the closet, whether given or received.

Heidel in da House

So, this past weekend we celebrated our anniversary. We actually have two anniversary dates, as we had two ceremonies (on at the end of September and another at the end of October). Due to this fact, we generally celebrate the entire month of October as our anniversary. I am one of those rare women who cannot tell you either of the dates without looking them up, so lucky hubby only has to remember a month. Well, Friday night we saw Bobbie McDuffie perform Vivaldi’s Four Seasons along with the American Four Seasons/Violin Concerto No. 2 by Philip Glass, a piece written specifically for Bobbie. My niece attends McDuffie’s school for strings in Georgia, and he was so gracious to us after the concert. Amazing, amazing, amazing. http://americanfourseasons.com/

On Saturday, we headed to the Heidel House Resort on Green Lake to enjoy a lodging/dinner/breakfast package. Very highly recommend this place. The décor is nice, beautiful setting on the lake surrounded by trees, excellent food…and only 1 ½ hours from home. Perfect for a quick getaway (their motto used to be “Run away and Heidel”). We packed evening clothes – a long gown for me and snazzy suit for hubby – and were ready to launch full-bore into the festivities.

It was Oktoberfest weekend at the resort, and we laughed, enjoyed polka music, watched the Klement’s sausage team race (go Chorizo!) and we drank fresh beer from a Madison brewery. The beer was unfiltered, tasty, rich, and…made us sick. So, just a few hours into our getaway we were in our room incapacitated. I’ll spare the details, but suffice it to say we never made it to dinner.

The next morning, feeling a bit better, we had a great buffet breakfast and pondered the schedule for the day. It was pouring rain outside so we forewent the hike through the woods, and decided to just head home. Were we down about the fact that our plans had crashed? Surprisingly, no! We both had had so much fun in the few hours prior to illness, and enjoyed just being together without the distractions of home and work, that we still considered the weekend a success.

It occurred to me that sometimes we set ourselves up by having expectations. It would have been easy to have high expectations of a fancy dinner and romantic weekend, which would have been dashed by our illness.  Instead, we just wanted some time together in a fun setting, so we were OK when things went a little south.  In general, I have found that expectations make you more unhappy than happy. If you don’t have expectations, you don’t have disappointment. Now, sometimes simple expectations are fine. At work, I expect that the receptionist will let me know when someone calls for me. On the highway, I expect that drivers will stay in their lanes (but I don’t always trust that they will---another matter). But when it comes to matters of the heart, family, friends and the like, expectations tend to open the door to bitterness or resentment. Hey, we’re all pretty flawed human beings, so we really shouldn’t expect too much from one another. Let’s cut each other some slack! Enjoy time together without thinking that it should be…fill in the blank. This week I encouage you to have fun, stop worrying about the past/future/what-ifs, and just be together in this messy stew we call life. 

Life is a matter of passing the time enjoyably. There may be other things in life, but I've been too busy passing my time enjoyably to think very deeply about them.      - Peter Cook, English comedian

Antsy Pantsy

OK, why is it that we humans love drama so much?  Even those of us who purport to hate drama in fact look for it anyway.  Case in point: I was out of work from January through August, finally found a job that I really like and look forward to each day, everything is peachy, so of course I'm thinking, "Hey, wouldn't now be a good time to move to New Zealand?"  Um, wait, what?

You see, hubbie visited N-Zed (zed is New Zealandese for Z) some years ago and wants to move there at some point.  It comes up in conversation every so often.  But, with his plays, movies, etc. and my ever-unhappy job situations there was never time to consider it for realz.  So, now that things are moving along swimmingly, we both like our jobs, his recently produced play was a hit...NOW is the time to shake it all up?!  I'm crazy.

Those of you who know me understand that I've had my share of ups and even more downs.  Struggled just to keep it all going through the storm.  Wasn't peace the goal?  Doesn't peace mean lack of stress?  Isn't moving across the world a little stressful, girl?!

Well, sure.  But now that things are going well, I find myself with the mental space and freedom to let myself dream a little bit.  I always wanted to be a National Geographic-type adventurer, seeing new places and exotic peoples.  Exploring new landscapes, climbing hills and running through dales...it is easy to forego those thoughts when you're just trying to pay the bills.  It's really easy to become myopic and see nothing but the next paycheck, leaves in the gutters, dirty laundry, family commitments, and all that jazz.  I'd like to just cut those earthly strings for a moment and be the intrepid adventurer.  I mean, LOOK at this photo!  We could have a city apartment and a cabin in the wild with a cute little goat and vineyards and an olive tree and clear blue streams everywhere and mountains and...and...and...

Well, it's OK to dream and remind ourselves of how we saw the world as children.  One big adventure, which it truly is.  As we grow up we tend to appreciate safety more, I guess.  "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." -- Andre Gidde (Nobel laureate) 

It takes courage to be an adventurer, and safety can't be assured once you embark on a journey.  But maybe by surrounding ourselves with people who make us feel safe, we can regain that sense of adventure.  So this week give yourself permission to dream a bit, as if you were still a child, and share what you discover.  Also, remember what George Eliot said, "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Be it!

Skillz dat thrillz

'Ever notice how easy it is to be surprised that you actually know something that not everyone else knows?  Like, for example, I always assume that EVERYONE knows that California will not slide into the ocean, but rather will travel north to Alaska..(go north, the rush is on).  Or that resumes don't require complete sentences, but rather bullet points.

I bring up this second point because in my new capacity as Director of Career Services (duhn duhn DUHN) I have occasion to review resumes on a regular basis.  This job is very good at helping me realize that we all need a little help assessing ourselves.  Now, I know, before you say it, that I've already covered this topic.  But this is different, I swear!  Well, sort of different.  This is not just about being honest with ourselves, but more about seeing ourselves in a different light.

Enter young woman, recent high school graduate, who wants to apply for a job as receptionist at a chiropractic clinic.  She's just 18, uncertain of herself, going into massage therapy and hoping to help people.  After a few meetings, she produces her draft resume and we sit down to polish it.  Mostly she has experience in fast food and retail, but not too bad for her age.  She lists her skills as being friendly and accurate.  At the bottom of her resume she lists "other activities."  Me: "Oh, I see you have some high school clubs listed...German Club, Spanish Club, Sign Language Club." Student: "Oh, yes.  Sign language is my first language as my mom is an interpreter.  I am fluent in German and speak a little Spanish."  Ok.  "WHY ARE THESE NOT AT THE TOP OF YOUR SKILLS LIST?" I scream, nicely.  It had never occurred to her that things she took for granted were unusual, desirable, and could very well make the difference between an employer hiring her or someone else.

So again, the question...why don't we see these things about ourselves?  I'm always amazed when someone I know points out how great it is that I know something, when it is something I just know so therefore don't value.  Wait, what?  Why should I not value what I know?  It's in my brain, after all.  Why don't I value what skills/knowledge/quirks that I have? Why do I hide my light under a bushel? A bushel of apples?! (I like apples)

I found a great quote, even though it comes from a dubious source.  (Hey, I'll take a tiny piece of wisdom from a giant pile of hooey over just a pile of fluff any day.)  Harry Palmer is a Scientologist, so I will say no more on that account, but this quote is still worthwhile..."You are much deeper, much broader, much brighter than any idea you could have of yourself." 

I'm giving a new assignment.  This week, ask someone you trust to tell you one thing about yourself that they find unique.  Something that makes you YOU, something that your friends and colleagues value.  Doesn't have to be mind-blowingly amazing stuff.  Anything that makes us unique is important, and we should be aware of it!  Celebrate it! Share it here!  I'll do the same, and maybe after this week we can all eat a giant apple pie and put away the bushel for good.